Too Ashamed to Love You
by Thalthoza
Summary: Nessie reflects on how she got back to Jacob after she ran away to New York and was taken in by three local vampires who saved her life, or at least gave her a new one. Rating may change later, current rating is for moderate violence, strong language, and suggestive topics.


**Too Ashamed to Love You **

_**But I Can't Stop Anyways**_

**Main Characters:** Renesseme (Nessie), Jacob, Edward, Bella, Carlisle, Alice, Seth, and Leah

**OCs: **Andrea, Marco, Alexander, and the Brooklyn King

**Summary: **Nessie reflects on how her life changed and how she got back together with Jake after she ran away to NY. She was injured with out any of her family to protect her, can a lone New Yorker vampire save her or is there another option?

IMPORTANT A/N AT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER DO NOT SKIP IF YOU READ 'THE STORY OF ESPERANZA PIPER VALDEZ'.

**Chapter One:**

**Young and Foolish**

Nessie looked at her reflection in her dark window, of course, she could have still seen most everything that was outside if she looked because her night vision made it as easy to see as it would be in full sunlight, but she instead analyzed her still almost unfamiliar reflection. Her once pale, but rosy, skin was now pure white and hard as diamonds. Her gingery-bronze hair was about a shade darker and held a brighter luster than it had before. Her figure had improved too, where she had once looked like a flat chested, angular boy she now had delicate, but very present, curves. If she had had to guess her age, it would be about sixteen or seventeen although she could easily pass as older if she tried. The thing she really missed was her eyes, where they're had once been endless depths of chocolate brown, there now was shining shades of crimson and burgundy. How _had_ she gotten here? The phrase 'It was a good idea at the time' came to mind, God, had she been foolish back then...

(START OF FLASHBACK)

She was tired of it! They couldn't just isolate her from society for the rest of her life, it wasn't fair! Why did everybody else get to go to school, go shopping at malls, and meet people, _humans_? Oh, that's right, she was an untamable, aggressive, blood sucking monster who couldn't be trusted to keep her cool around anybody who had a heartbeat if they weren't family or the wolves, who practically were family. It's not like she had ever attacked anyone, no, her father just felt free to run around inside her head. It wasn't her fault that the smell of blood was as appealing to her as boobs were to teenage boys. Maybe if they stopped trying to treat her like a human, or worse, a lab experiment gone wrong, they would see that _she was just like them. _It was insanity, they felt the same guilty urges to just sink their teeth into a pulsing artery and let the delicious blood run down their throat, but appanertly if she thought about it meant she was going to do it. She looked nearly there age and had mentally developed to what her grandpa Carlisle guesses was about eighteen or nineteen. They said that she would stop growing completely by her seventh birthday in about year, becoming as unchanging as her parents. Yet she was still waiting to be allowed to actually see the world, she had never even been outside of Forks unless they were hunting or visiting the Denalis.

That was when she realized something, her mothers shield was up around her and, if she listened, her parents had gone back up the the main house, to talk to the rest of the family about her probably. Teenagers raising a teenager wasn't really a good idea.

This could be instrumental to her though, she was tired of them telling her what to do, so why not leave? They had all of eternity to be a happy little family, even Jacob would be okay if she was back in a day or two. She just needed a little bit of space to clear her head, she would even, leave a note. She was being that cooperative about it, telling them that she let and that she would be okay. After writing her note, she hopped out of the window and hit the ground running, if she wanted to be left alone she had to be smart about it. Running towards the nearest city was her obvious move, if she mixed with he people there and then got on a plane to...hmmm...New York? Yeah, New York sounded good, she wouldn't be found for as long while. Taking her purse with her mothers black, shiny credit card was also a good idea, buying a plane ticket would be a piece of cake, she didn't really care about layovers so after meandering for an hour or two in Seattle she caught the first flight to the Big Apple. The blood lust wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it would be, walking through the city as a first timer at the whole crowds-of-blood-filled-humans thing was easy as pie. The family should really give her more credit. The next few days were going to be fun ones.

After the hours of flights and layovers, Nessie was tired and hungry. Her family was for sure searching for her by now, even though she had told them she was fine and would be back soon, they were still probably worried out of there minds, and Jacob was most likely going into total panic mode. She did feel a little guilty about that, in her heart she could feel his pain, a nagging sensation that was hard to ignore and it was even harder not to run back into his arms, but her anger and elation at being free was close to eclipsing the pull of the imprint. The first thing she did was go to Central Park, it was handy that she had once taken to memorizing the maps and subway lines of most major cities in the world, including New York. Boredom was a common occurrence when you were a half vampire, she had already read many of the books in the Cullen library multiple times, completed a full battery of advanced online classes that went up through college, and had mastered the piano, guitar, violin, viola, saxophone, bass guitar, keyboard, and clarinet, so memorizing city maps had become a pastime for her. Hunting in Central Park might not have been the best idea seeing as humans would be near, but it would have to do.

Four deer later had her looking for a new pair clothes, not only were they more than a day old, slightly blood stained, muddy, and traveled in, but they weren't appropriate for clubbing or looking old enough not to get carded at a bar. And that's exactly was she planned on doing, if anything would help her clear her head it would be the buzz of a few drinks and the blasting of obscene music. She might have been raised in a social cut-off, but that didn't mean she hadn't listened closely to all of the stories her family had told her, researched the outside world, and perused the World Wide Web. She had outrageous amounts of money and was a young adult in NY, life couldn't have gotten much better at the moment. Stopping into a couple of wild looking stores that screamed 'party' and 'live while your young' had her dressed in six or seven inch platform heels, a clingy, glittery, crop top that had neon colored snake print on it and high waisted, black, jean shorts that where probably a size too small but made her ass look great. The next thing was appropriate make-up, the stuff she was wearing now was just simple mascara and lip gloss. Having it professionally done would be preferable, but she had no idea where to go to do that so she simply bought some herself and tried her best, if only she had listened more when Alice had used her as a dress-up doll, she had never found any interest in doing her own makeup or neccisarly knowing how to doll her self up. But thick, winged, black eyeliner, mocha eyeshadow, and red lips, couldn't really go wrong with that. Last step was finding a good club, but she already knew where the best ones were, she had done some research after all.

"Hey, Sugar. I can give you a fun night, if you give me one." Was slurred in her general direction, she knew that she should just brush it off and ignore him, but with the buzz of alcohol clouding her thoughts she decided that smacking him would be a good idea.

"_THWACK"_ It really was a satisfying feeling when he flipped half over the bar and spilled his drink on himself.

"Sorry," she batted her eyes at the bouncer who had come over to see what was going on,"It seems that this man is just a _bit too wasted_ and fell when I tried to get him off of me."

"Oh, it's alright, Miss. Are you fine?" He asked as he hefted up the offending man, two more bouncers came over to end org him out of the club. It wasn't bad for her first time lying to a bouncer, though maybe a little less of the vampiric strength next time would be good.

"I'm alright, thank you." Though, she thought, maybe it was time to bounce over to another club. There was a good one about a minute taxi's ride away and catching the eyes of bouncers really wasn't on tonight's agenda.

It was rather amazing how fast a good looking girl could get a taxi in New York, but she guessed that it was a good thing, by tomorrow or the next day she would be back to the strict confines of the rest of the Cullens and she didn't want to waste any time waiting for taxis. The next club proved to be just as fun and wild as the last, this time she tried her moves on the dance floor, catching more than a few eyes and earning herself quite a few free drinks, although she turned each one of them down. She might have runaway to get some space for it all, but she could never betray her Jacob. Plus her intention was not to get completely drunk, that was quite a bad idea, even her buzzed self knew that. And so, for the rest of that night until at least 1:30 she bounced from club to club, sipping drinks here and provoking playboys there.

But after leaving the seventh club that night she found herself in one of the not so good parts of the city, thank god for her vampiricly fast metabolism, the buzz of her latest shots of Vodka was already beginning to wear off. Trying to remember which way led back to the hotel that she had made earlier arrangements at, she was nearly caught off guard by a creepily familiar slur, the stench of alcohol stronger than ever.

"Hey, you! I'm gonna make you pay for what you did to me earlier! Nobody punches the Brooklyn King and gets away with it! Even a whore as pretty as yourself." She whipped around and saw that the man from earlier was now backed by at least six goons. Switchblade wielding goons that were at least twice her size. It seemed that she had slapped some sort of gang leader, definitely not good. Even with the hazy buzz fading as quickly as it was she had no chance against that many of them, she couldn't have run in these heels sober, much less as she was now.

"Go on, boys. Make her pay for being such an _unwilling bitch!_" All together the armed men ran at her, slashing and stabbing. She dodged each hit, but even with semi-vampiric speed, they were to fast and she was still too much under the influence of the bitter Vodka. It wouldn't be long until one of them got in a lucky hit and she could do nothing of it. All because she couldn't stand not being allowed out her parents sight, she had gone and gotten her self killed by those her family had so desperately fought to protect. Poetic justice, some would say, and as she thought that her moment of distraction allowed that one hit to happen. She screamed as the knives then continued to slice at her chest and abdomen, it was a blur until, they all left. And with a final gasp she looked up at the clouded sky and whispered.

"_I'm sorry, Jacob. I'm so, so sorry._"

**A/N: Mwhahahaha. I leave you with a cliffie ending because I'm just that evil. But have no fear! This story will be updated with in the next two weeks if not sooner! And I do apologized for my insane absence, lots of things have changed and happened in my life. Because of that I will taking down and possibly rewriting my story about Esperanza Piper Valdez, but many more beginings of new stories and a few ridiculous and not so ridiculous one shots will be posted. Thanks to all those who read and reviewed that story and I am sorry for taking it down but I have been looking over what I have written for it (including things that had not yet been posted) and completely lost track of and interest in the story. Also, to whichever guest decided to leave the review ":You suck", this website is for the free use of writers of all ages and skill levels, leaving an anonymous insult is a cowardly and undeserved act of rudeness. The review system exists to provide authors with constructive criticism, ideas, and the ability to share experience and advice, not meaningless insults. Next time, leave some advice not useless judgment. To the rest of you awesome readers, I hope that you continue to read my stuff and stick with me even though I am taking down my first story.**

**TTFN, **

**'Thoza **


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